I'd always wanted to go to a comic/pop-culture convention, or at least I always did from the time I knew that such a thing existed. I finally got my wish a year ago when WonderCon 2016 came to Los Angeles. It was one of the best times I ever had, and I wrote more about that here. This year, the convention was back in its usual home of Anaheim. It was a longer drive, but there was no way I was missing it. I was a little worried some of the "magic" would have worn off from having experienced it before. You can never duplicate that first time. However, despite a sense of familiarity that wasn't in any way negative, I felt as inspired and happy to be there as I remember feeling about 365 days ago.
It's hard to explain why this matters to me as much as it does. For one, it's just a bunch of creative people who are actively making stuff sharing all the stuff they're making (whether it be comics, films, shows, animation, games, cosplay, toys, whatever) with other creatives and fans in a largely judgement-free space. That's inspiring, since nothing inspires more than seeing all this amazing stuff right in front of you that gives you ideas for creating some of your own (hopefully amazing) stuff. People there really want to be there, and it's a place where strangers can just come up to each other regardless of background or religion or ethnicity or political affiliation and bond over some obscure mutual interest or take a picture together without any negativity or bullshit. That's RARE. And it's special. And we need more of it in our world.
I met a lot of really amazing people while I was there. Some of them are in similar fields as I am and we talked shop for a while. Others were in totally different fields and I could learn from their point of view. I just love hearing someone who's passionate about something really go all-in on explaining that passion, even if it's a subject that normally wouldn't interest me. (IE. I've never been an anime fan, but I'll listen with interest as someone explains why it's the greatest thing in the world.) Caught up with a good friend of mine there Saturday and then was joined by two of my favorite people on Sunday to really make it a successful weekend.
Not that there weren't some speed bumps along the way. Got a bad migraine Friday night, which I've had issues with since I was maybe nine or 10. I get asked about them a lot, but there are some things with them I don't typically discuss. They can cause a lot of physical side effects while they're happening, and it'll sometimes feel like I'm flying an airplane where the controls are malfunctioning when they're at their worst. Hands will shake uncontrollably, speech is slower, etc. Not a lot of fun, but I'm very used to it. It typically takes at least 24 hours to recover after one goes away, but it can take longer in some circumstances. For reasons still not entirely clear to me, a migraine can leave a pretty nasty depression in its wake that sticks with me for a while long after the migraine itself has passed. It's not the pain itself- I have a lot of old injuries and it's not an exaggeration to say that on most days, something hurts. I think I have a pretty high tolerance and most people can't tell. Pain's not the problem. I assume that the migraine affects something biochemically, and the result is really unpleasant. This is nothing new either, as it's something I've dealt with in one way or another since I was really young. It got officially diagnosed over 10 years ago, and docs have been taking a closer look lately thanks to other issues with the nervous system. (Dizzy spells, tremors when I sleep, so I don't dream properly without medication, etc.) It's all likely related to impact injuries and concussions over the years, which is a whole different story. C'est la vie. I'm getting old. :-)
So, Mr. Migraine decided to visit Friday night, March 31st. Woke up Saturday with the pain of the migraine gone, but it left a depressive footprint. A fairly large one. But fuck it, I had a convention to get back to. So back I went. In an interesting turn of events, there was a psychologist on several of the panels I went to who has written books on using pop culture intellectual properties (shows, comics etc) as a means of treating and dealing with depressive problems, traumas etc. The US version of the latest book hasn't been released just yet, but it's something I'll definitely look forward to reading. The timing was just serendipitous.
Sunday, two really good friends came with me as alluded to above. It had been fun sharing in the fandom and enthusiasm with total strangers, but to share in it with people I feel so close to was really special to me and it was a day and experience I'll always cherish. Another migraine hit a couple days later (I get them in clusters) and I've been in a really bad funk since, but I've been using photos and videos of this year's Con to temporarily remove me from my own mind and travel back into better memories for a few minutes at a time, and those reprieves are priceless. I'm really good at internalizing these things to where no one around me can tell anything's wrong (sidenote- Roddy Piper could- we talked about it many years ago, and the last thing he ever said to me years later in the last time I saw him was "I see you."), but that's admittedly exhausting. But, exhausting is usually preferable to feeling like a weight dragging people down around me, so I'll choose exhausting and keep my mouth shut. This is the most open "publicly" (I'm assuming this'll have a pretty small audience, LOL) I've been about this stuff. I wrote out my entire life story once, and only one person has ever read it besides me. I wrote a private blog once about depression and thoughts about post-traumatic stress, and only two people have read it besides me. (One of them is a musician, and I'm listening to one of her songs on repeat to make this process easier.) But, I'm a storyteller- whether that be writing or acting. I'll never really know within myself if I'm any good at either one, but they bring me joy and I work hard at them and am able to scrape by a living with them, so I can take pride in that at least. And some severe physical and nerve injuries coupled with migraines and depressive struggles are an important part of my personal story.
When I was younger, being a fighter in the mental, emotional and sometimes by necessity physical sense was an important part of my identity. I still am in the ways that matter, but I can't pretend I'm bulletproof anymore. Never was, but was really good at faking it. There's a receipt for that, and that's okay. But as out of place as I often feel in life or society or whatever when at my worst, I felt a sense of relief and just being at "home" at WonderCon surrounded by all these stories being told in so many inventive ways by genuinely kind and creatice people. And that's where I love to be. So thank you to WonderCon and everyone a part of it for helping to remind me.