It’s been a long time since we’ve been in the same space. You’ll never read this, but I felt the need to write it at this point anyway. It can/will never be sent to you, but by writing it now, it can possibly go forward at some point and reach someone else we’ll both come to know, and if that day comes, maybe it’ll be helpful in some way.
You can be kind of stubborn in certain situations, which I can certainly relate to, so even if you did read this I don’t know how much of it you’d take to heart. Maybe, in that way, it’s really more for me than it is for you.
Like a lot of younger people, you have a lot of assumptions that really aren’t as true as you think they are. It’s good to be wrong about most of them, actually. Don't feel badly about it. Some will end up burning you, but such is life. I’ll still address them, because why not if I’m going to take time to write this in the first place.
You will never fully lose that void. That sense of just being separated or cut off from everyone. On the other side of a wall that you can’t figure out how to climb over or break through. You’ve always had the understanding that this did not make you special, that many people feel it, but you have believed that with time as a distance that the miles would add up until it was in your rear-view mirror. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. It becomes a part of who you are, but that’s okay too as long as you don’t give in to that and cut yourself off.
You’ll never grow out of the things that people say or hope you’ll grow out of. I mean that in a good way, because it has nothing to do with a lack of maturity and everything to do with maintaining a sense of enthusiasm towards things that have brought you joy. There are some things you’re going to have to give up out of necessity (more on that in a minute,) but you’ll never lose your love or passion for them, and I’ve always thought that’s one of your better qualities, actually. Never apologize for things that you love, no matter how weird or esoteric they may seem to others.
Sorry for the bluntness, but let me cut any bullshit since you won’t read this anyway: your first relationship is an absolute disaster. It’s okay, that’s actually pretty common. Don’t worry, we all go through it. While the situation with you two is pretty unique, (I will admit,) you’ll both come out the other side in a few years with a real sense of comradery. I think you understood each other in a way that is/was really rare for both of you, so you’re both to be commended on that front. I think you’ll both always be rooting for each other to succeed from afar, which is about the best you can ask for. She’s a good person, so at least I can say you didn’t fuck up in that regard. Others will follow, both good and bad. I won’t say more than that, since I clearly don’t have ALL the answers.
I’ve met the guy that you’ve always watched on TV and admired, (I live in Los Angeles these days, so that's not as weird as it may sound) and he’s even cooler than you think he is. You’ll cross paths with him someday and see what I mean. He’ll take one look at you and know where you’ve been, since he’s been there too. There’s another guy you’ll need to meet as well, but I don’t think you’re familiar with him, so I won’t go into that here. You’re like-minded spirits, though.
There’s a movie that’ll change your life in an indirect way. It’s a good movie, too. You’ll dig it.
At a certain point, you’ll be betrayed really badly, different from before, but those betrayals will help build you into who you want to be. It’s hard to see the upside of those battles when you’re going through them. Keep fighting. There’s times in life when friends end up not being your friends. That sucks and it can be a really hard pill to swallow, but going through it proves who you are as a person, and you need to go through it to both recognize and appreciate the genuine people in your life. You'll appreciate yourself more as a result as well. You’ll be okay.
There’s a deal that you made with yourself years ago, and you’re going to have to honor it. You’ve walked through some things unscathed already that you really had no business walking through, and you’ll walk through a lot more in the future. What you’re going through now will train you in both body and mind for what’s to come, and the stakes will be higher. You’ll get hit, you’ll get hurt and I know you’ll shrug it off, but you’re not bulletproof. You already have broken bones and injuries in you that you don’t even know about yet. More are coming. You’ll be at your very best whenever you need to be like you asked, but that receipt will get delivered. It always does, and it’ll be time to pay the bill. Once that happens, you’ll have days where everything hurts and you can barely move, and those days will never go away, but you’ll get through it. And it’ll be worth it, because you got through what you needed to get through at that time. You’ve said before that scars are lived-in tattoos, so just think of the bad days like internal tattoos. They mark you, but they mean something. For better or worse, own it because they’re a part of who you are. You’ll hide it well most of the time, but there’ll be times when you simply can’t, which is okay. There’ll also be people who can see right through it no matter how you cover it up, which is a gift and nothing to be embarrassed about. It just means they know you. They took the time to know you. Embrace that even when it’s hard.
On that note, you’re never a good judge of how people perceive you (I know you typically lean negative, which sucks) but know that you’re never as expendable or irritating as you think you are to those around you who you care about. Even on the days when you can’t fight for them in the physical sense anymore, (though you'd die trying) you’re always willing to in the ways that really matter to the last breath you have. You don’t acknowledge it, but that’s rare. They know that. Even when you don’t. Even when you’re positive it’s the opposite. Your toughest battle is always yourself. That won't change.
You’ll lose one of the closest people in your life, and you’ll feel that every day afterward likely for the rest of your existence. Everyone goes through it in some way, which never makes it easier. As much as that hurts, remember in the days and years afterward that you were there to make him laugh in his final days and spoke for him in his passing and that honor means something. He thought the world of ya, and he didn’t bullshit, so think better of yourself in the moments when you don’t feel like you should, because that is how you can honor his memory and keep his spirit alive. That’s what he would want.
That’s about all I have to say. I can’t prepare you for everything. Especially when I can’t prepare you for anything. But, on this day, at this time with a migraine in my head, a sleeping dog at my back and a laptop at my fingertips, this is what I got in me. So there you go.
Good luck, kid.
